Guns N 'Buttah

From simple minds, simple ideas. And so from out of my mind—a sharing—an idea so obvious that we all should be dumbstruck for not getting to it earlier. Really, just blind luck that the notion came my way.

Proposition: By federal law, every American citizen 16 and over shall be issued a handgun and 20,000 rounds of ammunition. And, the right to open carry will include a 24/7 provision that negates all state and local restrictions.

Of course, such a sweeping piece of legislation will be bedeviled by the details, but I—while cooking up a pot of rice, showering and shaving, taking the morning meds, and feeding the dog a biscuit—have considered much.

Maybe some Qs & As to speed up the chew-time on this idea. Bon appetit!

Q: You mean like everywhere, all the time?

A: Yes.

Q: Cool.

A: That’s not a question.

Don’t muck around with the legislation—keep it simple, remember. We’re not talking tax code here.

Q: What if I don’t want the gun?

A: Sell it. And the ammo, too.

I know what’s coming next.

Q: What if people sell it for drugs or sex or food?

A: A tiny minority already do. Think “For the greater good”.

Q: Kids with guns in schools? That’s crazy talk.

A: Yes. Do you think a 16-year-old will draw her gun when the other 800 kids in the cafeteria have theirs at their sides? Not bloody likely.

Q: Guns in legislative assemblies?

A: I’m not seeing the problem.

Of course, more practical issues will need to be addressed. The freedom of choice is an inalienable right, of course, but the legislation shall mandate American made (not assembled elsewhere or made elsewhere and assembled domestically, capisce?). As for caliber, let’s go with .22s, .357s, and 45s. I might favor Ruger, S&W, Kel-Tec, and Colt—but my personal choices should never intrude on the rights of others.

Q. Gun manufacturers are not distributed equally across the United States by legislative districts, so how is this fair?

A. Congressman, you know the answer, you’ve been hearing it all your life. Besides, unfairness has been institutionalized already.

Q. Do we have this kind of manufacturing capacity?

A: We ramped up for WWII, didn’t we?

Q. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to offshore this production?

A. Your money is the fed’s money is our money is the fed’s money….

Q. How is that an answer?

A. And no subsidiaries of foreign companies allowed either. Next.

I think we should go with a gun charge card—with a security chip, duh—set a price limit of somewhere between $600 & $800.

Q. What happens to the leftover money from savvy shoppers?

A: Unspent goes back to the treasury.

Q. But that’s not fair. And that will inflate prices.

A. It’s all good. Next.

Q. What if someone sells their card and the buyer can purchase two guns?

A. No law against owning more than one gun, right? Remember this is just a minimum, a one-for-all deal.

No one group is targeted. Jobs—at least temporarily—will be created in the manufacturing, transportation, and service arenas. Stock prices will ascend in the near term. We might generate more revenue by licensing shops—maybe a target symbol to identify certified arms dealers. This law could be win-win-win-win.

After my nap I may have more to add, but I think I have covered all the significant concerns and loopholes.

Guns and butter. Sweet. Let the wheelin’ and dealin’ begin.