Trump Names Arsonist New USFS Chief

Three-time convicted arsonist Edward “Bud” Franklin is slotted to reign as Chief for the US Forest Service in the Trump administration. Franklin, currently serving the 7^th year of a 10-year-sentence, resides at the federal prison camp located on the Maxwell Airforce Base in Montgomery, Alabama.

Sources within the presidential transition team explained Franklin will be pardoned by President Trump no later than Monday, January 23, 2017 and should be in his new office by the end of the week.

A transition official demanding anonymity revealed President-elect Trump believes Franklin would “shake things up” at one more “bloated federal agency”. The official went on to say that other nominees set to serve in the Trump administration thought the pick “inspired”, “transformational”, and “a good fit”.

Social media claims that Trump’s daughter Ivanka briefly dated Franklin while she was in college have been dismissed as “madman stuff—never happened—not her type” according to another unnamed official close to the Trump family.

Franklin, who is from Murfreesboro, TN, was graduated from high school in 1998 and earned a 2-year-certificate in welding. After being convicted and fined for starting small wilderness fires in Tennessee and Virginia, Franklin was sentenced in federal court for the 2009 Great Grassland Fire that burned over 12,000 acres in parts of Kansas and Nebraska.

A spokesman for the camp warden where Franklin is housed revealed the prisoner’s face “did seem to light up” when told of the appointment. The nominee was unavailable for a press conference because he is under house arrest for possession of smoking contraband.

The Sierra Club, the World Wildlife Federation, and the Audubon Society are on record protesting the nominee’s fitness for the post. An environmentalist, speaking anonymously, denounced the move as “waging a jihad against Mother Earth”.

In related market news, shares for heavy machinery manufacturer Caterpillar were up 1.8% today in light trading, and Chelyabinsk Tractor’s stock soared 6.2% on the Moscow Exchange. (FLNS)