Flies (F)

Hell--heck, yes I remember when they showed up. It was December 5th, Saturday. I was checking the time to see if it was late enough to call your uncle Martin in San Jose--to give him crap for turning forty. I looked down at my coffee cup and there were five, six of them. And then they were on my arms.

Cathead flies. Never seen them before. Mean bloodsuckers. Clemson man said on the news "No way". Not up here. Not this time of year. The hell with no way. A guy at the plant told me one got in his daughter's ear and blood was coming out and they took her to some doc-in-a-box drive-through place.

They got on the dog. I swiped them off and we jumped back into the house. You could hear them popping against the window. 

How many? I don't know--hundreds.

Hell--heck yes people wore masks. I saw a lady down the street with one of those beekeeper helmets. Some people wrapped their hats with nets. Like those hats they wore in the jungle.

Never mind. 

It was all over the news--national. The Weather Channel wouldn't shut up about it. Catheads, Catheads. They didn't know bullcrap about Catheads. 

Shut down the schools. Kids running hard and then opening their mouths and flies would bite their tongues, two or three flies at a time.

I'm not making that up. It was in the news.

Mail folks, road crews. Skin So Soft spray, that stuff was sold out. Had to drive down to Columbia. A guy at work told me little bottles were going for $40. Forty-damn-dollars.

No, I'm telling you. It was worse than I'm telling you. Ask your momma.

Nobody could figure out how they came in other than it being warmer than normal. That's what a Clemson guy said. When I tried to tell your uncle, he laughed and said "No way." Hell-yes-way.

Of course they got in the house.

Well I smashed most of them with wet towels. Killed one with a cutting board. They chased the dog all over. He tore down a shower curtain trying to get away. I got bit on the neck running to the car first day back to work. 

I started wrapping my head with a wet towel when I ran out to the truck. Heaven help you if they got inside with you. 

Me, I used wasp killer and Deep Woods Off. 

Five days. Worst five damn--darn days of my life. Then that was it. It was over.

I don't know where they went. 

I'm telling you, ask your momma.

Lyman, 2021