Monday, February 22, 2021

Con Brio!

Oh, the humanity! For the sake of more butter and eggs mixed in with the flour? Heretics, lunatics, fanatics, all!

Must Maspero’s in The Quarter bend to the will of the fast food zeitgeist—their muffalettas served on brioche buns? Hell, no!

Should Cortaditos in Charleston succumb to the tidal wave of brioche madness—Cuban sandwiches offered on brioche buns? A thousand times, never!

Can you imagine Katz’s Deli in NYC serving a pastrami on, gulp, a brioche bun? Sure, if you have some severely twisted, dark dark dark synapse sparking deep deep deep in that badly damaged brain of yours.

Here’s a tip: Sawdust on a brioche bun is still sawdust. Duh.

Johnny’s Po-Boys on Saint Louis Street switching over to brioche buns for their roast beef or oyster po-boys? The horror! The horror!

Greenville’s Passerelle serving croquet monsieur on a brioche bun? Get out! No, seriously, get out of here! And flee far far away!

Or open a can of tuna, fold in a dollop of mayo, and then get out your damn brioche buns.

Or fry up some Spam, smear on some ketchup—sure, sure, on a brioche bun.

Here’s another clue: Corporate America is enamored of the brioche bun.

I’m sure I speak for all with any ounce of integrity still sandwiched in their respective parietal lobes when I cry, “Give me liberty and rustic ciabatta!”

 

Thursday, February 18, 2021

The Cheat (F)

The comet’s return in ’86 ignited enough public interest that the Florida museum where I interned decided to hire an astronomy professor from the university down in Gainesville and set up aboard a smaller Greek cruise ship a lecture series. In this way, the museum believed they would connect with wealthy donors and generate much free publicity. 

The university professor by coincidence was an older second cousin of mine. While negotiating with the museum for his appearance fees and his expenses, he learned his wife would not be able to make the 9-day trip, and as my luck would have it, he remembered hearing from my mother that I was at the museum, and so he bargained on my behalf as his assistant.

His national stature in his field secured all his requirements, and so that is how I found myself onboard Athena, a 250-foot ship that spent its summers in the Mediterranean and wintered making passages between Port-au-Prince and Manaus, which was 1100 miles up the Amazon from the ocean.

The first part of the voyage we were mostly at sea, with stops at Grenada, Tobago, and Devil’s Island. My cousin the professor was such a compelling lecturer that 40 or 50 passengers and even some of the off-duty crew would join us on the deck two hours before sunrise to observe the comet with the naked eye and binoculars and even a smaller telescope. The salon where he gave his talks could seat nearly two hundred and at each of his six talks, passengers lined the walls of the room.

During the sea passage, the professor dressed well, spoke affably with all the passengers, and limited his drinking to a double Crown Royal after the second dining service at 8:30. The ship’s activities director, a lanky blonde who grew up in Chicago, seemed very much taken by the professor and often could be seen taking him by the arm and steering him off from others.

Arlene was one of those women who would when speaking to a man stand in close so that he could not comfortably hold a drink in his hand in front of his body. She too dressed well and obviously spent enough money with the right sort of folks who kept her hair and nails perfect. I was surprised to learn later that she was only 24.

Once we reached Belem and would begin steaming up the river, the professor no longer had any duties per his contract. The river basin’s humidity would not allow for a clear view of the sky in the morning, and so now my cousin began spending more time in the ship’s casino, and he was just as likely to take the social director by the arm and steer her out onto the decks.

The afternoon the ship docked at Santarem the three of us went by cab to a riverside bar she knew. Because rain showers were sweeping across the town, we stayed put rather than exploring the market and shops. The professor drank Bohemias one after another. After tipping over a bottle and spinning it on the table, he leaned over and loudly kissed Arlene on the mouth. She said it was time for a cab, and I helped him get to his feet. During the ride to the ship, we all agreed to a shower and the 6:00 dinner seating.

Rather than go up for an early dinner, the professor went to one of the deck bars that looked out over the pool and cabana. I found him as he began ordering his double Crown Royals, and for the first time he directly spoke of his wife. The words were not endearing. After three rounds, he picked up his empty glass and lurched toward the stairs that went up to the next level. I followed behind, convinced that he would soon just keel over and be out for hours, maybe even all night.

He somehow managed to climb up two levels so that we were at the same height as the base of the ship’s smokestack. I implored him to return to his cabin for the night, but he just pushed me back, screamed out his wife’s name, and threw his glass out and over the portside rail. At that point, his head slumped forward, and I half-dragged him down the stairs and onto a landing where the elevators ran.

When I rolled him onto his bed, a key and a crumpled note fell out of his jacket pocket. The number on the key was not for his cabin. The note said simply 11:00. 

I stood in front of that door with the key in hand for several seconds.  When the door released open, I saw Arlene standing just beyond arm’s length.  She was not dressed for dinner. Her face did not change in any way perceptible to my eye. She simply held out her arms and nodded for me to come in.  Ladson, 2014

 

  

 

 

 

Monday, February 8, 2021

Robins (F)

"What you doing?”

I look over my shoulder at the neighbor boy standing up close to the chain link fence that separates our backyards. He’s wearing a t-shirt and jeans, I’m in jeans and a heavy sweater. He’s holding a Wiffle bat, I’m cradling a mug of coffee.

“Thinking.” I know what comes next.

“What you thinking about?”

“The robins this morning in the yard. Maybe forty or fifty.”

Tap, tap, tap—the bat applied to the top of the fence. Tap, tap, tap.

“They coming back?”

“I don’t know. Will be pretty cold the rest of the week.”

Tap, tap, tap.

“Hawk,” I say and point out over the field beyond our fence. He shields his eyes.

“Did you see it?”

“I can’t see. Where is it?”

“It’s gone into the trees.”

“Is it coming back?”

“Maybe.”

Now he’s plunking the ground with the end of the bat. I swallow some more coffee. The sunlight is nearly white and the sky a washed out blue this morning.

“Did you count them?”

“The robins? Tried to, but probably didn’t get them all.”

“That’s a lot.”

“Yep. Funny for this time of year.”

“I saw a dead squirrel in the road by school yesterday.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”  Now the bat is on the ground and his fingers are entwined in the fence. His head is cocked toward a shoulder.

“When do we have cucumbers?”

“Not until summer. With the tomatoes.”

“Can I cut some flowers?” He always takes them to his mother.

“Nothing blooming right now, Bud.”

“There’s the hawk again.”

He tips his head back and squints.

“Watch. It’s coming this way.” Sure enough the bird flies right over his head. A Cooper’s hawk.

“See it?”

“Yeah.” Tap, tap, tap.

“You like birds.”

“Yep, I like watching them.”

“Where do they go when they die?”

“You mean where do they die?”

He nods.

“They can die on the ground, they can die while they’re in the air.”

“What if they fell on you?”

“Might hurt. Might hurt a lot, I guess.” I think of a pelican or much worse somehow, a buzzard.

“Do they go to heaven?”

“Maybe.”

“I got to get some juice or something.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later.” He leaves the bat and disappears around the corner of the house. I scan the sky for the hawk.

Birds in heaven? In truth, I think, my young friend, to that notion I really cannot speak.

Lyman, 2021

 

 

 

 

 

Monday, February 1, 2021

A Change of Hearts?

During Democrat Franklin D. Roosevelt's 4 victorious presidential campaigns, South Carolina's voters gave him overwhelming support: 98% (1932), 98% ('36), 95% ('40), and 87% ('44). (Note: All percentages have been rounded down.) But in the '48 campaign, sitting president Harry S. Truman (D) garnered only 24% of the vote and his national opponent took in 3%

Take a moment and do the simple arithmetic. What's missing? The 71% won by South Carolina Governor Strom Thurmond, who campaigned for a segregationist 3rd party informally known as the Dixicrats. Thurmond received more votes in '48 than the total cast in the '44 presidential election in South Carolina. 

What happened? Well, perhaps, for starters President Truman ended racial discrimination in the US Army, created a Fair Employment Practices Commission, supported ending state poll taxes, and backed federal anti-lynching laws. 

In 1960, national winner John F. Kennedy (D) turned back Richard M. Nixon (R) in South Carolina 51% to 48%. One cycle later, and Republican Barry Goldwater took the state with 58% of the vote to President Lyndon B. Johnson's (D) 41%.

A historical note here, Johnson championed the passage of the Civil Rights Act in 1964.

The '68 election in South Carolina saw Nixon out-battle Hubert H. Humphrey (D) 38% to 29%. Again, do some quick addition. The missing chunk this go-round, segregationist Alabama governor George Wallace (American Independent Party) grabbing 32% of the vote.

Then Jimmy Carter (D) won over Gerald Ford (R) in '76, 56% to 43%. Four years later, Ronald Reagan (R) defeated Carter 49% to 48%. Reagan had fewer votes in '80 than Carter collected in '76.

No Republican presidential candidate has failed to carry South Carolina since 1980.